In January 2009, I wrote a one-sentence blog: I feel like I lose more faith each day. That was the last time I really put my faith crisis in the public sphere. People went on thinking that at some point I “figured it out” or “matured.”
It seems to me that serious Christian churches– of where the gospel and Bible are regularly preached– are facing an epidemic here: Filled with people who are scared to share their true struggles.
No-one wants to be perceived as an “immature Christian.”
It’s okay to have “minor issues,” such as lust. But when you get specific and say you’ve been dealing with porn addiction for over a year, then you’ve crossed some sort of line. You’ve transitioned into critical condition, where perhaps you have just been going through the motions and we were all wrong about your salvation.
I’ve more or less been in a faith crisis since sophomore year of high school. And up until 2009, I was pretty public about it. What happened afterwords? I was asked to become a leader at my church. People began viewing me differently. I was a role model to some. One girl even said, “You seem to have everything figured out.”
But deep down, even with the knowledge gained and perhaps “spiritual growth,” I’ve consistently asked the question: Is this the week I break? Is this the week I let go of my faith entirely? And if you didn’t know, I’ve bailed from the faith several times since my first church camp sophomore year of high school. Sometimes for just a week. One time for eight months. And right now I’m tempted to tell you it’s been a while since I’ve totally bailed, due to wanting you to think I’ve “figured it all out.”
I have a theory, though: You’re not that different from me. Maybe your struggle isn’t doubt. Maybe it’s something else. But you feel you can’t bring it to the congregation. You have an image to uphold: The sort-of-broken-but-mostly-fixed-by-Christ image.
When will we open up and realize that nothing we do from this point makes us any more or less loved by God? I won’t think you’re an “immature Christian” if you tell me you struggle with porn or drug-use or suicidal thoughts. I’ll just think you “do what you don’t want to do and don’t do what you want to do,” as Paul put it. And unless someone is camping out in sin, then we should let them drink of the wine and eat of the bread and help bring them back to the alter…time and time again.
Doubt. Porn. Masturbation. Desire of atheism. Days without reading my Bible. Thinking about myself most hours of the day. Occasional drunkenness. Anger at God for hell and suffering. Nostalgia leaning on wishing I could still live in the dark. And so on.
You?
I think it’s not about doing sinful things.. but more about doing the things God has commanded us to do.
I think this is how we as Christians/ I get lost.
One thing that comes to mind – is that our minds are powerful and we think about things and have different thoughts and how we perceive things/ situations/ scenarios/ circumstances to be and it trickles down to emotions and how we feel and react and how others see us and how we project.
Emotions and Thoughts are pretty powerful and scripture tells us to have control/ dominion over them and to take our thoughts captive. We have dominion over the earth and all principalities and our selfves.
We can bind and loose things. We don’t have to accept a thought that doesn’t line up with the word of God. We are seated in heavenly places with Jesus and if a thought/ feeling we are sensing is not associated with Heaven/The Scripture/ Peace.. we can command it to leave.
I think a huge blessing for me is having a solid group of Christian friends and mentors that I feel comfortable enough to share what I need prayer/ encouragement for is huge. When I don’t have these people in my life I feel alone and that I can’t get out of a problem.
But when I have people who I can ask for prayer without judgement and with love and support – people who are for me – it helps tremendously.
The concepts of binding/ loosing and then taking my thoughts and emotions captive have been pretty huge life changing concepts – that – I’m just now understanding can make a huge impact. I’ve already seen breakthrough with fear/ doubt/ and a BIG ONE IN NYC- Anxiety!
One day I broke down at lunch and met a friend- we went over what the bible said- we prayed for what I was dealing with and I confessed-I also confessed the truth and immediately I was free.
God commands us to renew our minds- part of that is taking every thought captive and having self control, and really having a handle on my emotions. Its a huge task but with Holy Spirit and taking the pressure off of us and accepting Grace and Peace and God’s love for us- we can do anything. We are all learning and no one is an expert at life.
Still Learning Glory to Glory.
Blessings Brother
Thanks for sharing. There is definitely a freeing feeling when we confess to each other. And it is SO important to take thoughts captive but sometimes the way we do that is through community: Other people reinforcing that idea and helping us see when we’ve missed it to take thoughts captive.
And I totally know what you mean about NYC anxiety
I think people forget, the lord knows we aren’t going to be perfect. We are going to make mistakes and often. But I think what matters is what’s truly in our hearts, how we deal with the trials and what we choose to do with the decisions we make. I also think a lot of Christians forget not to judge. Didn’t the lord tell us to leave the judging to him?
One thing I always keep in mind, don’t judge a religion by the people who attend. People are human, they are not perfect, they won’t live the religion to the tee no matter how hard some may try.